Resolve
I have a hard time totally swearing off 2020. The world outside might have gone to hell in a handbag, but this will still always be the year that I went for it.
I spent the close of 2019 in a weird place- I had hated the last six months, and I was putting my anger and frustration into the energy to come out of New Years’ gates with my guns blazing. I had written out my lists, formulated spreadsheets, planned out the calendar... 2020 was basically going to be my b****.
Whether it was the progressive climate out there, or the fun in the number “2020”, I think a lot of us finished up December planning to kill it in the coming months. And then it took all of three to realize this was going to be THE year alright, but not in the way any of us could have imagined.
I laugh when I look back on my scribbles of what I had planned to post on Sincerely (thankfully, I had only mapped out as far as June). One idea I had was to share a revisit of my resolutions. I think it’s always a good idea to do frequent temperature checks (COVID pun intended) on ourselves, so here’s my little mid-year review:
Be less afraid- Made progress, but could still do more here.
Be less complacent- I’ve really shaken things up this year. Win.
Take more time to myself/ ourselves- Welp. It was forced by a stay at home order, but we’ve loved every minute of it. Win.
Lean in- I went for it, but want to lean harder.
Look up- Figuratively speaking, with so many eye opening moments that have come up this year, yes. Eyes off of the phone though, to look up at the beauty out there- sometimes yes on our quarantine adventures to new places, but I haven’t been as present as I could be. Needs improvement.
Marriage resolution: Listen to understand and listen to improve myself. Just apologize more. – Definitely getting better but there’s always room for improvement.
Activities! Read/write over watching TV and mindlessly browsing the internet. - I’ve read and written more, but with more time than ever to be home, the screentime certainly hasn’t suffered with it! Needs improvement.
I even managed to add a new one, after seeing how the first six months of this blog were going:
Be more forgiving of myself. Don’t be so neurotic and afraid of minor screw ups or mistakes. I can learn from them.
Tame my need for perfection. Find a safe balance of timely execution and positive, effective results.
Needs improvement. I’m still too OCD and still too much of a perfectionist. The quantity of my posts is suffering because I spend too much time meticulously perfecting them. I need to find a better balance of quality/quantity.
I wrote out this list of resolutions and had too the overarching goal of the year to go public with my writing. That was my big deal. I just wanted to jump in and learn to swim while I was in it. I remember saying to myself, “I don’t need it to be much, but as long as I publicly share one thing, and as long as I at least take one step forward, then this year will be a success.”
All things considered, we’ll rate it as “satisfactory” for now.
It’s for this that I’ll always be grateful for 2020. It doesn’t hurt that 2019, and a couple others in the 2010’s, still manage to share the title of “worst year ever.” Isn’t it laughable to think, that with everything out in the atmosphere right now, probably a good amount of us have had it worse? Maybe we need that reminder to put things into perspective.
My obligatory EOY Instagram post read:
“If 2018 taught me to celebrate individual growth, then 2019 taught me to appreciate the people that got me here and to do it while I can. The year 2020 will be about doing more of just that. It will be about being more present. Living for now, instead of relying on it later. This life is wild and crazy and it goes by all too quick if you don’t stop to look up every once in awhile.
And maybe sometimes, as much as it even felt relentless, you just might have needed the year that tossed you around a couple of times to wake you up to the people and the love around you.”
So maybe 2020 is this year for you- the one that just continues to hit you, blow after blow, until you feel like it just can’t get any worse. The one where you’re constantly questioning, “what could possibly come next?” Or maybe you’re like me and this is some iteration of a previously bad year. And hopefully, you’re fortunate enough to realize that you’ve gotten through it at least once before.
Because that moment of reflection will always come at the end of it. We know that at some point, we can look back and make sense of it all. We’ll see what it taught us. They say “Hindsight is 20/20”
Pause. Wow. That just hit hard and was totally unintentional.
Is this year our hindsight? Is this year our reflection?
Life seems a little bit easier to get through when you go into it knowing that no matter how hard it hits, it’s always going to be a win if you learn something from it.
So check on your resolutions. Look back at your first half of the year, and give yourself some credit for just making it through. Take anything it’s taught you and use it. Bounce back stronger. Smarter. Don’t let one of the most uncomfortable and stirring years go towards nothing. And remember, there’s still five months of it left to kill it.
